Shame reading

I recently read a statistic that attempted to explain the expanding popularity of e-readers: shame reading. People want to read crappy books but don't want to be seen in public with them. At first I thought this was ridiculous, but as with most of my initial impressions, it soon faded to irrelevance. Turns out I love reading crap on my phone. I don't even own a kindle. Well, M and I 'share' a 'family' kindle. Which pretty much means I don't have a kindle. But there is a kindle app for my phone and I don't need to to tote anything else with me in the morning. So the phone it is. I linked it to M's (sorry, I mean the 'family' kindle) and got all the books that were on it. Immediately I started in on something I was sort of embarrassed to be reading in the first place - The hunger games. Kid lit, ripped off, holywood junk, whatever, it was awesome. I ripped through it. I shredded the next two too. Best part about reading on the phone? I get to listen to music while I do it. No more listening to loud people on the train. I kept on reading books M downloaded that I didn't think I would normally read - Mindy Kaling, Tina Fey and Michael Ian Black all provided me comedy-memoir junk. By then I was hooked. I had to buy some more. I loaded up on the Stieg Larson books. These are not really so shameful, only that I was the last person on earth to read them and no one wants to be that guy. So they were soon in the 'done' pile. I had to get some more: teen lit, scandi-noir, crime-thriller, sci-fi, and now, the worst of them all fantasy novels. Yes, Game of Thrones in all it's 800 page swords and dragons glory is my current entertainment and I am seriously considering getting the next two. That will be nearly 2400 pages of cold castles and hot maidens. Giddy up. I will admit it, I am book snob. Born into and raised by book snobs. The childhood home is filled with great reading list material. I took great pride in being seen with 'serious' books. I looked down on the train-folk toting mommy-porn and dungeon/dragon tomes. Now I am one of them, but only in secret. Don't tell anyone.

(correction) there are 5 published and 7 total (planned) books in the series if which Game of Thrones is only the first.

I found a sleeping child

Don't know if this is comfortable or not

What's been going on

Any free time I get to post things online, they are usually videos of the boy. Thus the spartan blogs. Oh well.
What have I been up to?
1. reading pop culture novels. Hunger Games, Girl w/dragon tattoo, Comedian memoirs... Next on the list is game of thrones. I've enjoyed this so much more since I got the kindle app for the phone. Less and less sports podcasting that usually put me to sleep anyway.
1a. Dreaming of writing pop culture novel and quitting work. I don't think I could come up with hunger games and no one wants to read my biography, but the Girl with/who books were at best entertaining and at worst shams. Maybe something was lost in translation? Maybe I am delusional that I could come up with something better.
2. not cooking. Weekends are tight. Not a lot of time to simmering and roasting. Beef jerky is an exception. Minimal effort, maximum lunch enjoyment.
3. words with friends. Tried it once before two years ago, didn't see the point. M got it and we did battle. I also challenge my brother. It's entertaining. (I know, I know, this is not supposed to be an Iphone commercial)
4. Getting new clothes and stuff. M has, in her kindest way, informed me that some of my pants options are a bit past their expiration date. We made an unscheduled trip to get some new pants where I actually got sized up by an real life person and I now own three pairs of extremely well fitting pantalons. Only took 35 years. Now I'm on their mailing list and just need to start making lots more money. I also got some new shirts. Technically that's not true. I still haven't received them. They get mailed from some far off place and they use the pony express or a coal fired steamer or something. The first set was mis-sized. Now I await the next version. Soon I will divest myself of several tent-like offerings taking up space and gathering dust. I also got some new watch gear. I had a few soldiers who had experienced war wounds and could not be worn. Now they are back in the lineup.
5. Being a dad. This is probably the best of them all. E has caused a lot of chaos in general, but I am very, very happy he's here. He's happy to see us all the time (almost), he's claps when we clap, he sort of walks, he laughs and plays. Really becoming a nice little kid. I am sure there will be battles to come, but since I've been uploading so many movies recently, at least I will have proof that I was once the boss.

Faster and Furiouser

It’s time to recognize why movies are still awesome and it starts with Fast 5, the latest installment of the ‘Fast and Furious’ franchise, thus completing the pentagram of cars, crime and incredible awesomeness (or is it complete? More on  that later…)

If you are unfamiliar with the Fast and Furious franchise, I suggest IMDB or Wikipedia or something. Suffice it to say, it’s heavily geared towards adolescent males (or maybe females too, who knows?) with megadoses of exotic cars, exotic women, cash and over the top illegal activity (racing, robbing jailbreaking, etc…). Pretty much what anyone with a little too much testosterone, a driver’s license and not enough free money thinks about all the time. I’d say it’s pretty standard stuff, except it’s not. These films feature one of the great enigmas of acting – Vin Diesel – a supposedly (really) short, overly muscled guy with a speech impediment that is somehow a master criminal, stand-up guy and toughest man alive. He’s sort of impeding on Sly Stallone territory with the short/thick/slurry act, but the Italian Stallion is pushing 60+ and the HGH dosing isn’t making him look any younger (although The Expendable was pretty awesome in it’s own right –the sequel is eagerly anticipated here). So we have Vin Diesel. Then we have his sister, Jordanna Brewster, who I cannot remember being in any other movies of note (nope just checked IMDB, I have seen nothing outside of the F&F franchise), and Paul Walker (another one franchise actor). They team up with a pack of oddballs they’ve met in the 4 previous editions to take down legendary movie bad-guy Joaquim de Almeida (go ahead and look him up, he’s always the drug lord and he’s great). The criminal team is also strangely made up of actors who only seem to appear in either the F&F franchise or something horrible (Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang) but the best and most entertaining of the henchmen are two Puerto Rican reggaeton superstars – Tego Calderon and Don Omar, neither of whom appears to ever speak English or Spanish particularly well. Tego Calderon seems to be doing his best impression of an inebriated Manny Ramirez and it’s consistently the funniest thing in the film (yes I said film, not movie). And to top is all of is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, a formed U of Miami defensive lineman and WWE superstar who does a reasonable job in action movies these days. Among the gems he’s spouted as a pro wrestler: “See, the Rock realizes, there is something deep down inside you that eats you alive, something that makes you wake up in a cold sweat, makes you have nightmares. And it’s the fact that as good as you are, The Rock is, simply, better”. Annnnyway, that’s what we know heading into the movie. Someway, somehow all these people are going to mix it up and have a good ol’ time.

We start off with Paul Walker and Jordanna Brewster, on the run, somewhere in Brazil, because they just can’t seem to not commit crimes no matter where they go. It’s not a sociopathic sort of crime spree, more like the kind where they were forced outside the law by unfair rules and this is the only way to live. So they’re there, broke, seeking refuge. A former associate who’s set himself up as a sort of crime boss locally gives them shelter and food and talks about a new crime he’s planning that requires a particular set of driving skills that only these two seem to possess. How fortunate. Since they are broke and hungry, they are sort of forced to commit this crime (see, they’re not BAD guys, just good people who do bad things). They decide to do the job. Vin Diesel miraculously shows up at this point, despite the fact that he’s the most wanted man outside of the middle east. Even better, he’s driving a somewhat rare 1972 Dodge Charger that has been all tuned up and ready for war. Our heroes are also driving a vintage 1972 Nissan Skyline GT-R that’s also ready to go. Now keep in mind they are deep in the pits of South America. Driving conspicuous old automobiles without money or a classic car parts junkyard anywhere to be seen. How have neither of these guys been caught yet? Who cares!

They do the job, Vin Diesel changes the plan, bad government type guys get killed (not by our heroes though) and now The Rock is on the case, working for the US Marshals. He shows up wearing a t-shirt designed for an infant and sweating profusely. For some reason The Rock is the only guy who sweats at any point in the movie, despite it being set in Brazil, and he is constantly DRENCHED. Even after a cartoonish brawl with Vin where they crash through so many wall you wonder how the building is still standing, he’s the only one sweating. At some point after the Rock gets involved and the evil Drug Lord decide to go after Vin and the gang, the gang decides to do one last job, to even the score and make their final getaway. Cue the criminal mastermind role for Mr. Diesel. We never get to see the entire plan, because that’s half the fun, seeing what they cooked up. Sooner or later though, the Rock catches up to the gang and takes them in. Or so it seems. Evil drug lord wants them worse and some more government guys die. Despite how much time and effort the gang put into staying away from the Rock, they somehow decide to help him out in his great moment of need and in a nod to the bro code of backing people when they hook you up, The Rock inexplicably decides to join the gang. Incidentally, Paul Walker used to be an FBI guy, but Vin Diesel’s particular brand of criminality is unusually persuasive and now he has 2 Feds working for him. There’s a very well done and particularly spectacular robbery/chase scene where half of Rio De Janeiro gets destroyed. (River of January.. why aren’t any US cities named like that? South America has the best city names). During the climactic chase scene, we learn that the team all of a sudden has thousands of dollars worth of electronic equipment at their disposal and of course they all know how to use it perfectly. This is a bunch who was so broke they couldn’t eat a few weeks back and now they’re better equipped than the CIA. Delightful. The chase ends, everybody’s happy. The Rock even decides to give the gang a head start for helping him out? (I thought he was helping them?) A Rio cop lady falls for Vin D, and cue the montage of how it all turns out for everyone.

Does this all sound ridiculous? Of course it does. And I could watch 6 more hours of this, easily. It’s so much more entertaining than what would happen in ‘real life’. Sure the franchise is mocked by ‘serious’ critics, but it knows where its lane is and stays there. Show some girls, cars, cash, maybe a somber scene where the guys reflect on what they’ve done and swear allegiances, and start counting the cash at the box office.

Best part is, they’re making another one. Usually at the end of these, there’s a little scene that teases what the next one is about. Can’t wait.

What I'm happy for this Christmas

Home brewed coffee. Not many thing better than grinding up the beans and making it right there in the kitchen. Instant coffee might have been cool for astronauts but it was a huge step back. I can't really think of anything 'instant' that is worth eating.

The free 5 guys meal M and I stumbled into. We were out last weekend? It was lunchtime, we saw a 5 guys, decided that's what we wanted. It was a new location. When we got to the door, we were asked for invitations. I guess the employees were supposed to invite friends and family. We were neither and almost walked away. The guy at the door let us in anyway. We ordered and were told it was free. What's better than unexpected 5 guys? Free 5 guys. Then the drink dispenser was like one of those ideas that the guy who spent 7 years getting his undergrad randomly spouts out at unexpected times. An unlimited beverage combination machine with more flavors than I have ever seen. We shall be returning, even if we have to pay.

Having a kid in May. It gave M and me the whole summer and fall to get used to the parenting thing. I don't know what people do who have kids in January.

DVR. I now watch football games in 45 minutes and don't chew up my entire day. So long as I stay away from sports news, I get away with this. M doesn't even mind tagging along. Bonus mention for the 30 second skip ahead feature. Recorded TV shows no longer require gunslinger reflexes to avoid rewinding when the show resumes. Even though I rail against cable TV, this is actually a decent feature.

Frozen breakfast sandwiches. Had to lower my standards here a bit. When we were in Delaware for a wedding the hotel had a wide variety of microwavable breakfast sandwiches. I hesitated but jumped in anayway. They were excellent. Breakfast sandwiches are easily one of the best parts of the grand and noble first meal of the day. The enjoyment I experienced inspired me to seek these out at the store. I don't eat them every day, but when I get a chance, I do not deny myself a nice microwaved sausage egg and cheese biscuit.

Ron Swanson. Too bad he's not real.

Discovering that we can run the house fan 24x7 and not need to crank the heat/AC to keep the house comfortable. Thank you nameless contractor who tried to charge me $7g for a few balloons and a netbook to make my house more comfortable.

And now a few things that I could stand less of:

Certain 'seasonal' songs. Go away already.
Rick Perry. Going away soon.
TV with laugh track. Should be gone by now.
All things vampire. Oddly not gone yet.
People who think Ayn Rand is awesome. I doubt you finished an entire book and basing your life on a single book, any book, is not giving your life enough credit.
Thinking that things were better 'back in the day'. They weren't. Those days are gone and not coming back.
Perfume/Cologne magazine inserts. I make every one I see gone.
Ryan Reynolds. Almost gone.
International Bad Guys. Ghadaffi, Bin Laden and now Kim Jong Il all gone. It was a good year. Still time for Ahmadinejad, Chavez and Cheney. You know Cheney doesn't have a pulse, right? Look it up. He probably falls into the vampire category as well.
SOPA. Hopefully gone soon. Contact your people in Washington. The olds are trying to take away the internet.
Bonus Rooms. If you can't afford your house, rent out your bonus room. Then go away.

Intruder alert

This bandit was in my house. He took all my money, sleep and free time. I was glad to give it.

Carrot explosion