This morning M mentioned that I would be good on a show called ‘Mantracker’. It’s a Canadian with a beard and a horse and a helper (and horse) and they hunt people in the woods. There’s no killing, but the chases are edited to look intense. Generally the horses seem to have good eyes and noses and keep the men at least looking in the right direction. Sometimes the trackers are called on to look at some disturbed dirt or sticks to see where the unwise hunted have left a trail to follow. I haven’t seen an episode yet where anyone even came close to getting away.
How would I do on this show? Not very well. While I am reasonably fit and have some basic sense of the outdoors, I see most of these people fail due to poor planning and execution. Foresight aside, there is an aspect of toughness and sheer will that would eventually take over in a real-life pursuit situation. When I asked myself how I would fare, I had to create a tough-scale and put myself in it. The tough-scale is meant to incorporate mental as well as physical attributes. I’m not trying to guess how well someone would take a punch. It’s more of a gauge of how quickly someone would give up and start crying when dropped into a wilderness and hunted. Physicality is a big part, due to the requirement of being forced to contend with the elements. Basically, I’m trying to find someone who’s willing to live like an animal. I like to think I can run for miles through the woods, over rocks and through rivers, but I live a cushy life and get blisters when I swing the golf clubs too much. In ascending order from baby soft to pioneer tough:
Millionaire CEO, Surgeon (related: trust fund baby, socialite)
I put millionaire here, not billionaire, because B-level richness means you can afford to take trips that require extreme exertion or training. Theoretically you can be Batman if you are a Billionaire. These guys have the softest hands of the gang, owing to the luxe lifestyle and lack of callus-creating workload. A sore neck is enough to put them on the injured list
Professional Gamer (related: software engineer, political talking head)
So pale a flashlight would burn them, reeking of hot pockets, pizza rolls and dr pepper and in love with all things role playing, the toughest these guys get is online, pwning noobs and trolling message boards. A swift backhand slap would get them balling in real life. Gets wInded going #2.
Fashion Designer (related: hotel concierge, party planner)
Probably mentally tougher than I give them credit for, but physically the weakest on the list. Want no part of unpleasant humidity, bugs, dirt, starvation or abrasions. Changes clothes several times a day to accommodate situation. Mean people can ruin their day.
Personal Trainer (related: jersey shore guido, musician)
Gym-strong and proud of it. Only works out to look good in tight clothes. Mentally impaired in all things not related to exercise charts or protein shakes. Live with mom because they cannot retain a real job. Common injuries: fungus.
High School Principal (related: police, auto mechanic)
Tougher than they look. Could have military experience. Lots of practical experience with unpredictable situations and unreasonable personalities. Able to survive on meager rations owing to poor pay and lifestyle. Adept at improvisation.
Cook (related: carnie, longshoreman/stevedore)
Lots of experience in high-heat, high-pressure situations. Excellent with sharpened tools and fire. Extensive interaction with less-than-stellar mentalities. Persistent and willfully obstinate. Good chance of incarceration experience. Lots of scarring.
Fireman (related: fisherman, cowboy)
Starting to get into legitimate toughness here. Courage is unquestionable. Chose career that will probably kill them. Lots of downtime can lead to dulled skills. Good with a team, excellent at staying calm in a crisis. Excellent moustaches.
Lumberjack (related: oil roughneck, miner)
Another deadly work environment, but this is a 40+ hour week of exposure to constant death. Crushing, large airborne sharp metal objects, poor work conditions and a permanent coating of grime are all but guaranteed. Physical strength is absolutely required, as is the willingness to expose one’s self to unpleasantness for years at a time.
MMA fighter (related: outlaw biker, stuntman)
Not many 40+ year olds doing this job. The very act of doing the job means a co-worker is trying to kill you or at least prevent you from doing your job by inflicting physical pain. Constant training and practice is required. A good day on the job means you got into a fight. A bad day means you’re dead or paralyzed.
Salvage Diver (related: NONE)
Really the only job where you are called in because literally everyone else tried and failed. The entire environment around you is so dangerous that a mistake means horrible death. The only less hospitable workplace is space, but astronauts aren’t covered in sweet tattoos or missing fingers. Living like the end is tomorrow is encouraged. By far the coolest and potentially most lucrative on the list.
So where do I rank on this list? Somewhere in the designer-trainer range. I’m not as strong as the musclehead, but definitely smarter and more adaptable. My fighting history is spotty at best and I have started to notice that extremes of temperature are kind of a pain in the ass and I get cranky when I haven’t eaten in a while. I think with some training I could get into the cook-fireman range.
I just noticed that the toughness scale could also be a salary scale, except the least tough people make the most money. Not tough.
