Back Porch = Done (I think)

Something small, simple. An item that seems too good to pass by. If you think about it, it’s the chance encounters that really get things started. M came up to me in a store one day to show me a big glass bowl and we ended up with a new downstairs bathroom. Not to be outdone, a few months back we were in a home store and we saw a cantilevered patio umbrella for sale. It was early March. Who’s buying patio furniture in March? We had a functioning set. It came with the condo. It was faded and the umbrella was home to several hornet nests, but it was good for a free set. Seating for 4 was alright, but anything more required carting out the living room stuff. Part of me wanted something better, but new gear is pricey. $35 for an umbrella wasn’t a bad start. We’d need to figure out a way to keep it in place. I had a pretty good handle on that one. Then we’d need a new table and some chairs. This umbrella didn’t come up through the middle of the table, so we needed a table with no hole. Last fall M and I were sitting outside in Florence and we noticed that the café used cast iron fencing and basic greenery to separate diners from the road and it was surprising effective. We thought something like this might work for out little space. We had all these ideas, but all we really had was an umbrella.

Over the next few months we acquired more. We’d isolated a few tables from Ikea but they weren’t being delivered to our closest store. Tired of waiting, we drove to Connecticut instead. 3 hours of driving for 10 minutes of shopping. I think we got the support system for the umbrella next. I had it in my mind that I would construct an elaborate wood base and blah blah blah. I’m not great at building things. M heard me out but didn’t jump at the idea. We needed about 100 lbs of weight. Four 37 lb pavers would do the trick. Table, pavers, umbrella – check. Chairs were on deck. Another Ikea run and another and another and we were in business. Turns out I can assemble them fairly quickly when I get into a rhythm.

By now, our living room was holding all of these acquisitions and starting to look like a Building #19 warehouse. Shredded cardboard, packing material, piles of furniture and boxes were everywhere. The railing system was less straightforward. Our first investigations of decorative fencing yielded flimsy plastic pickets and miniature stockades - nothing that would hold a planter box. After an abortive and confusing attempt at mocking up a stone wall in the garden center of a big box home improvement store, we found our fence in the building materials section. A few details about attaching said fence later and it was off to start assembly.

Construction started a week or so ago when I put together the umbrella. Turned out the pavers were a little too thick at the corners and needed a haircut. I don’t own nor did I want to rent a wet saw. I shot a quick text for help to some family members and got the great advice to use a cold chisel and a hammer. I didn’t have a cold chisel either, but I saved the steel punch that came with our granite vanity. I figured, good for breaking granite, good for breaking concrete. Michaelangelo I am not, but I shaped those pavers with a whole lot of aggression and noise. Satisfied, I went on to assemble the railings. We can’t attach the railings to the deck directly, so we decided to use some 2x6’s and make portable railing units. This will help when the condo board has the deck re-stained and when the snow comes. Each railing came with 8 lag bolts that weren’t exactly well fitted to the bases of the newell posts. I had to tighten them ¼ turn at a time with the only tool that would fit. It didn’t get me fired up to turn a wrench for a living.

We decided to do the railings last weekend because it was too cold to oil down our new furniture. That’s right, the table and chairs needs to be oiled every year. We traded indestructible aluminum for high maintenance wood! It does look a lot better and the first year’s oiling wasn’t so bad. We’ll see how I feel 7 years from now. 6 chairs and a (newly assembled) table later, I’d had my fill of oil and mineral spirits. We filled up our planter boxes, added 3 new shrubs and sold off the old furniture. All on a Saturday. Before 6pm. I even hit up the driving range afterwards. The 2x6’s looked a little pale next to the chairs, so I gave them a little George Hamilton style bronzer. It’s a little odd, but the deck stain to match the deck was only sold in gallon buckets and I needed a cup of it. We had so much time left over, we decided to fire up the grill and have some steaks. Didn’t even have to use my AK, gotta say it was a good day…

Drink up

Last night M and I had to make an unscheduled trip to Ikea. It’s not close to where we live. It rained last night. It was dark. Why did we have to go? Something we bought had an epic design fail and needed to be taken back. The trip was less than satisfying and I was frustrated when we left. Ikea didn’t do anything wrong other than be out of stock for something critical. But this misses my point. As we were leaving, I noticed someone was having a little less fun than I was. Or maybe they were having more fun? Either way, this was piled up against a column.


That’s three 16oz PBR tallboy cans, emptied of their contents. One? I can understand that. Maybe they grabbed a road soda on the way out the door? It’s a long drive to Ikea. Maybe they had a rough day. A 16 oz can is a little excessive for a casual brew, but I’ll let it slide. 2 cans? Maybe they had a really long ride there and wanted some refreshment before a long slog through the cavernous Mecca of fine Swedish home furnishings? Maybe they ate a bag of chips on the road and were really thirsty? 3 pounders? I have no idea why anyone would need 48 ounces of cheap beer all at once, at a furniture store. 48 ounces equals 4 regular 12 ounce cans. So he might be sneaky and think he only had 3 beers but he really had 4. I’ve been reluctant to go some places before, but not “I need to drink 4 beers before I go in there” reluctant. Or maybe I’m being too cynical and they fell out of his recycling bin on the way to the redemption center. He bought a carload of goodies and needed the extra space and the $.15 worth of aluminum didn’t make the cut.

Speaking of recycling, I went out to our recycling dumpster this weekend. Before I got there I could tell I was out of luck. The lid was bulging. I decided to try around the side so I could sneak some stuff in the side. As I opened the slider, something fell and hit me on the head. A big empty plastic bottle of Fleischmann’s Gin. Really? If I remember right that stuff costs about ten bucks, maybe twelve if you’re not in a college town. I know the economy is in a rough patch, but that seems a little extreme. Our condo complex isn’t a big party group, so I have to think that this is teenagers hiding evidence from their parents. I don’t care if you’re making omelettes or gallons of manhattans. Life is too short for crappy ingredients. On the other hand I should be glad it wasn’t one of those big mother Beefeater bottles crashing down on my skull. Keep the dream alive everyone - go with the plastic. For safety.

More fun stuff

Since I had so much fun with my musical suggestions from yesterday, I remembered one more that had me boppin to myself all morning. Check out Soulja Boy's 'Tell em - crank that (soulja boy)'. I think this guy was born in 1990? This song was huge right around his 17th birthday. Not bad for a young man. I hope he earned (and kept) some money from it. The song itself isn't so entertaining, but the video (find it on youtube) is a little funny. It comes with it's own little dance and everything.
Another youtube gem is Randy Pausch's last lecture. Who is Randy Pausch? Watch the lecture. It's long (over an hour), but reminded me of some of the impressive and interesting professors I met in college. It makes me grateful that I know quite a few of these types of people in my own life and keeps me motivated to meet and cultivate relationships with more of them.
If you like the 'interesting lecture' genre, check out TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) conferences. They have some enthralling 20 minute presentations on everything. Captivating. I feel better just having listened to them every day.

Best Omelette Ever

Behold the deliciousness that M and I created for our Easter brunch #1 this Saturday. Eggs, potato, tomato, red peppers, basil, rosemary, garlic. All fantastic. It took a little longer than a normal omelette, but it tasted much better. Will definitley be making this again.

Unrelated to the omelette. I just watched Lonely Island's "Like a Boss" video. I wasn't familiar with Slim Thug's original version of it. I know only one is meant to be funny, but they both blow it out the box for hilarity. Big plus for extra close-ups of Slim Thug's paltinum and diamond teeth. An honorable mention needs to be made here for Flo Rida's "Low". This is another older song that I only recently became acquainted with. Funny in a different way. I even did a Spanish remix freestyle one day in Madrid that had people staring at me. I had to create a few pandora stations so they could recommend even more of this crunktastic worktime soundtrack.

Last, I had to mention a video I saw this morning of this guy on youtube who does eating challenges. If you've even seen Kobayashi, the hotdog eating champion, you can tell he doesn't eat like this all the time because he's only 140 lbs. A lot of guys think because they're big they can eat a lot and eat it quickly, which tends not to be the case. In some perverse cosmic twist, you have to be a sort of athlete to be able to eat a lot of food quickly. Case in point, this monster who tried to eat 40 Totnino Pizza rolls in 2 minutes. He's out of breath before the first ten are polished off. The rest is a little hard to beleive. He crawls to a halt at around 4 minutes and then, admitting defeat, asks for more challenges and washes it down with some Smirnoff beverage. Stay classy.

Rant and Rave – Spanish Edition

Rave - #1 has got to be Jamon. What is Jamon? It’s ham, really. But not the watery limp pink stuff from the deli, this is dark red, chewy, fatty deliciousness. Aged 12-36 months and served cured (essentially raw and mummified) with little more than some tomato and olive oil rubbed on bread, it equals amazing eats. There were museums to this stuff. Some of it was remarkably expensive (+$70/lb). Those swine eat acorns in oak forests before they become Jamon. Ruffles makes Jamon flavored chips (not as good, but interesting). It’s hard to describe what it tastes like. It was sort of nutty, and buttery with a wonderful mouth feel and an instant craving for more. Too bad it’s not available here so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Close #2 is manchego cheese. Delicious.

Rave – Tapas. It is well known that I love hors d’ourves. I can have nothing but snacks for dinner, which Tapas are, more or less.  Real Spaniards have them for snacks before they go out dancing or drinking, but we had them for dinner. Meatballs, fried cheese pillows, paella, shrimp on a stick, cod ceviche, artichokes, potato quiche, octopi, even a deep fried pigs’ ear were no match for our appetites. Well mine, anyway, M was more adventurous than ever but she abstained from the ear and cod.

Rant – paying for bread and olives. What is this extra 2 Euros on all of our meals? It’s the bread. Turns out the bread basket or olive plate aren’t free in Spain. They must know Americans devour these things without question, so it’s an easy $3 on every meal. I didn’t realize this until very late in the trip and it was still hard to resist. Diner beware. Epically lame.

Rant – hidden taxi charges. The meter reads 10 Euros. Then we stop, the driver mumbles something and mashes the meter’s buttons until it reads 18 Euros. Had I spoke Spanish or Catalan, maybe I would have my answer, instead I’m out big bucks. Even NYC has a sign in the cab explaining what the charges are. Maybe they are legit, maybe not. We got taken for a ride, literally.

Rave – Westin Palace Hotel Madrid. Wow. This had to be the nicest place I’ve stayed in yet. Even though I am not technically platinum level anymore, I still got the platinum level perks and with it came a killer corner suite.  We missed out on the opera brunch and the chocolate dinner, but we did see the Turkish national soccer team and got treated to a nightly horn honking battle and even a view of a church doing rapid-fire weddings. I don’t think the pews had even cooled off from one party before another bride showed up for her trip down the aisle. Excellent free entertainment.

Rant – indecipherable menus. I thought ‘taco’ meant a taco. We ordered the low priced sampler menu and pointed at things we thought we wanted. I got overcooked tuna cubes with ketchup on a bed of French fries. I only like my tuna 2 ways – raw and in the can. This was the extra fishy dark stuff. I thought it was slow cooked beef and I was treated to bony fish cubes. Luckily M shared some of hers with me so I didn’t eat the napkin. After considerable difficulty ordering dessert, they brought us the English menu. Thanks a lot fellas.

Rave – Picasso. I have a lot more respect for Mr. Pablo now. We saw his museum in Barcelona, filled with a lot of his earlier works and you get a chance to see how talented his was, even as a young child. It was much later in life that he developed the cubist style most people know, but he could paint almost any style. In our research for this trip I read 2 anecdotes about Picasso. One was that he used to pay everyone with a check, knowing that because of his signature, many of these checks would never be cashed and would instead be framed. Not a bad way to get by. The other was that he was sitting at a bar doodling on a napkin. When the bill came, the waiter offered to waive the bill if Picasso would sign the napkin. Picasso scoffed and said if he signed his doodle he could buy the whole bar with it, much less his meager bill.

Rant – Dali. Every dorm has the kid who buys a bunch of Dali prints from the bookstore. That kid sees all sorts of meaning in the frailty of time in the melting clocks and loves to gaze at the surrealist images, trying to get inside Dali’s head. Snore. We went out of our way to see his museum, which he had a great hand in designing. I think the fact that he helped design his own museum took something away from it. For one it was intentionally confusing, and secondly, he got to choose what works went in and how they were portrayed. The place was a madhouse of large scale loony art. There are a few interesting exhibits that involve a surprise. I will not reveal them here because knowing ahead of time takes something away.

Rave – Dali’s Jewelry. This section of the museum was much more interesting. I think jewelry was a much better medium for his work in general. But what do I know? This was way better than the regular museum.

Rave – Spanish Pastries. XiouXiou (zhoo-zhoo), churros con chocolate, fairy cakes (muffins),napolitanas. I had no idea Spain was big on pastries. Lots of excellent finds in this area.

Rave – La Boqueria Market. M and I got more fruit than we could eat for less than $2. Strawberries, apples, oranges, plums, and things I can’t even name. This market had it every day. They had stalls for fruit, fish, Jamon, normal meat, bizarre animal parts, dried foods, nuts, candy. It was a free for all. If I lived within walking distance to here I’d be 300 lbs.

Rant – rain. Lots of it. Everyone saying how unusual it was. Not for us. You want rain? Book us for a vacation. We can’t miss.

Rave – Another animal statue. Madrid had a pseudo symbol of the city which is a bear reaching up for a berry bush. The royal family used to keep bears and hunt them. The berry bush is some kind of indigenous plant. I like cities that have animal mascot statues.

Rant – pickpockets and scammers. All of our travel information told us to watch out for thieves and to wear our money belts. I hate the GD money belt. It makes it impossible to tuck a shirt in and makes me look like I’m wearing a diaper. It’s hot and causes belly sweat. Not enjoyable. At night I fantasized about catching a pickpocket and thrashing him publically. We’re from the land of guns and ammo. You going to try and rob me without a weapon? I’m 30% larger than most Spanish men and from the looks of it, in better shape. I suppose targeting younger, larger people is a bad way to become a successful pickpocket, but we didn’t see any of it. The constant vigilance did keep me on edge and unusually aggressive.

Rave – free museums. Much like the Louvre being free if you are unemployed, Madrid’s big art museums were free to unemployed, retired people, students and after a certain time of day, everyone. This is the way it should be.

Rave – Cataluña. I think the crummy weather and crowded area we stayed in caused me to like Madrid a little more than Barcelona. Given another chance I think the circumstances would change. Tucked up into the northeast corner of Spain, the Catalan people pay more taxes and tolls than everyone else, they have the most industry and commerce, they are spiritual but not maniacally religious and they sport a donkey as a symbol to poke fun at the bull-obsessed Madrdilleanois. They gripe about the lazy south and don’t really see eye to eye with the rest of their country. Sounds familiar to me.

Rant – Franco. Bad, bad dude. Not enough is taught about this in American schools.

Rave – Small Spanish Feet. You ever go to the clearance section of the store and see all the giant size clothes that never get sold? Guess whose feet qualify for those sizes in Spain? This guy, that’s who.  Most of the clothes, too. Large does not quite contain me. If I lived there, cheap clothes for me.

Rant – No orange/pineapple juice blend. On the flight from Barcelona to Madrid, Iberia offered 4 beverage choices. Coke, water, orange, and pineapple juice. I asked for half orange /half pineapple and you’d have thought I had proposed mixing some Clorox in there. Everyone around me gave the American a funny look. The attendant said it sounded weird and almost refused to serve me. But she did. Delicious. They don’t know what they are missing.

Rave – Gaudi and modernisma architecture. We got to see a lot of Gaudi’s work in Barcelona. The Sagrada Familia, Parc Guell, Casa Mila and a few other places were all designed in a psychedelic, twisting, mosaic style that was a little jarring at first, but turned out to be one of my favorite aspects of the trip. I’m not a big art or architecture guy. I like what I like but we don’t have glossy coffee table books of I.M. Pei or Frank Lloyd Wright. I really liked what Gaudi and the modernists were trying. Turn of the century Barcelona had a lot of money for commissioning private houses and these guys came up with buildings that are more interesting than just about anything I’ve seen anywhere else. Highly recommended.

Rave and Rant – Spanish political protesters. I’d read that Spain was in some economic trouble, possibly worse than the U.S., and I was a little concerned that we might run into some rioters or protesters. Turns out I wasn’t disappointed. There was a very loud anti-capitalism protest and then an enormous anti-abortion protest on consecutive days, right outside our hotel in Madrid. Rant because I don’t gave a great deal of affection for protesters, rave because they were both exciting and delivered the bizarreness I look for in a vacation.