It’s time to recognize why movies are still awesome and it starts with Fast 5, the latest installment of the ‘Fast and Furious’ franchise, thus completing the pentagram of cars, crime and incredible awesomeness (or is it complete? More on that later…)
If you are unfamiliar with the Fast and Furious franchise, I suggest IMDB or Wikipedia or something. Suffice it to say, it’s heavily geared towards adolescent males (or maybe females too, who knows?) with megadoses of exotic cars, exotic women, cash and over the top illegal activity (racing, robbing jailbreaking, etc…). Pretty much what anyone with a little too much testosterone, a driver’s license and not enough free money thinks about all the time. I’d say it’s pretty standard stuff, except it’s not. These films feature one of the great enigmas of acting – Vin Diesel – a supposedly (really) short, overly muscled guy with a speech impediment that is somehow a master criminal, stand-up guy and toughest man alive. He’s sort of impeding on Sly Stallone territory with the short/thick/slurry act, but the Italian Stallion is pushing 60+ and the HGH dosing isn’t making him look any younger (although The Expendable was pretty awesome in it’s own right –the sequel is eagerly anticipated here). So we have Vin Diesel. Then we have his sister, Jordanna Brewster, who I cannot remember being in any other movies of note (nope just checked IMDB, I have seen nothing outside of the F&F franchise), and Paul Walker (another one franchise actor). They team up with a pack of oddballs they’ve met in the 4 previous editions to take down legendary movie bad-guy Joaquim de Almeida (go ahead and look him up, he’s always the drug lord and he’s great). The criminal team is also strangely made up of actors who only seem to appear in either the F&F franchise or something horrible (Chris ‘Ludacris’ Bridges, Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang) but the best and most entertaining of the henchmen are two Puerto Rican reggaeton superstars – Tego Calderon and Don Omar, neither of whom appears to ever speak English or Spanish particularly well. Tego Calderon seems to be doing his best impression of an inebriated Manny Ramirez and it’s consistently the funniest thing in the film (yes I said film, not movie). And to top is all of is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, a formed U of Miami defensive lineman and WWE superstar who does a reasonable job in action movies these days. Among the gems he’s spouted as a pro wrestler: “See, the Rock realizes, there is something deep down inside you that eats you alive, something that makes you wake up in a cold sweat, makes you have nightmares. And it’s the fact that as good as you are, The Rock is, simply, better”. Annnnyway, that’s what we know heading into the movie. Someway, somehow all these people are going to mix it up and have a good ol’ time.
We start off with Paul Walker and Jordanna Brewster, on the run, somewhere in Brazil, because they just can’t seem to not commit crimes no matter where they go. It’s not a sociopathic sort of crime spree, more like the kind where they were forced outside the law by unfair rules and this is the only way to live. So they’re there, broke, seeking refuge. A former associate who’s set himself up as a sort of crime boss locally gives them shelter and food and talks about a new crime he’s planning that requires a particular set of driving skills that only these two seem to possess. How fortunate. Since they are broke and hungry, they are sort of forced to commit this crime (see, they’re not BAD guys, just good people who do bad things). They decide to do the job. Vin Diesel miraculously shows up at this point, despite the fact that he’s the most wanted man outside of the middle east. Even better, he’s driving a somewhat rare 1972 Dodge Charger that has been all tuned up and ready for war. Our heroes are also driving a vintage 1972 Nissan Skyline GT-R that’s also ready to go. Now keep in mind they are deep in the pits of South America. Driving conspicuous old automobiles without money or a classic car parts junkyard anywhere to be seen. How have neither of these guys been caught yet? Who cares!
They do the job, Vin Diesel changes the plan, bad government type guys get killed (not by our heroes though) and now The Rock is on the case, working for the US Marshals. He shows up wearing a t-shirt designed for an infant and sweating profusely. For some reason The Rock is the only guy who sweats at any point in the movie, despite it being set in Brazil, and he is constantly DRENCHED. Even after a cartoonish brawl with Vin where they crash through so many wall you wonder how the building is still standing, he’s the only one sweating. At some point after the Rock gets involved and the evil Drug Lord decide to go after Vin and the gang, the gang decides to do one last job, to even the score and make their final getaway. Cue the criminal mastermind role for Mr. Diesel. We never get to see the entire plan, because that’s half the fun, seeing what they cooked up. Sooner or later though, the Rock catches up to the gang and takes them in. Or so it seems. Evil drug lord wants them worse and some more government guys die. Despite how much time and effort the gang put into staying away from the Rock, they somehow decide to help him out in his great moment of need and in a nod to the bro code of backing people when they hook you up, The Rock inexplicably decides to join the gang. Incidentally, Paul Walker used to be an FBI guy, but Vin Diesel’s particular brand of criminality is unusually persuasive and now he has 2 Feds working for him. There’s a very well done and particularly spectacular robbery/chase scene where half of Rio De Janeiro gets destroyed. (River of January.. why aren’t any US cities named like that? South America has the best city names). During the climactic chase scene, we learn that the team all of a sudden has thousands of dollars worth of electronic equipment at their disposal and of course they all know how to use it perfectly. This is a bunch who was so broke they couldn’t eat a few weeks back and now they’re better equipped than the CIA. Delightful. The chase ends, everybody’s happy. The Rock even decides to give the gang a head start for helping him out? (I thought he was helping them?) A Rio cop lady falls for Vin D, and cue the montage of how it all turns out for everyone.
Does this all sound ridiculous? Of course it does. And I could watch 6 more hours of this, easily. It’s so much more entertaining than what would happen in ‘real life’. Sure the franchise is mocked by ‘serious’ critics, but it knows where its lane is and stays there. Show some girls, cars, cash, maybe a somber scene where the guys reflect on what they’ve done and swear allegiances, and start counting the cash at the box office.
Best part is, they’re making another one. Usually at the end of these, there’s a little scene that teases what the next one is about. Can’t wait.
