The world waited nervously. A brave band of men who labor underground were trapped with no hope of escape. The tools they used on their daily journeys to the center of the earth were useless to grant them their freedom. They had food and water, but the prognosis for escape was slim, if any. We watched their progress from afar, but there wasn’t much we could do to help them. If they did manage to escape, would the outside still be hospitable to them? Today the last of them died. These were my own Chilean miners, an ant farm given as a gift from M for my birthday. I had an ant farm when I was younger. It was the classic sand variety, with a green plastic farmhouse. The ants were pretty good for a while, but they ran out of food. I didn’t order new food. I thought pouring sugar in there would help. It didn’t. They died quickly without real food. The new and improved farm I received was made of space gel that was antimicrobial, edible and mildly water based. All the ants’ needs were taken care of. All I had to do was order ants (I could have also dug them out of the ground, but passed on Viking-style kidnapping and incarceration). The ants were around $5 for 25, or $6 for 50. If a little is good, more is better, right? They arrived in a few days, all piled up in little vials. The documents said they would last 3 months. I opened the farm, poked holes in the gel to get them started and poured in the miners. At first they seemed disoriented by the gel, maybe they were happy to be released from the vials. They didn’t seem interested in digging. I thought about poking bigger holes in the gel, but there were too many of them. As soon as the lid opened they all tried escaping. I decided to let them go at it unassisted. Soon enough they had constructed a labyrinth of tunnels, creating huge piles of gel pebbles. We could track their progress and watch them connect the tunnels with remarkable accuracy. It was incredibly cool. The documents they came with said to open the lid every few days to give them fresh air. This caused some problems due to the overcrowded conditions. As soon as I opened the lid, the fresh air gave the surface workers a huge rush of energy and they all charged for the exits. There were escapees. Trying to capture one ant was easy enough, but these ants had enormous teeth and bit ferociously. Capturing multiple ants and then getting them back in the farm without getting bitten and allowing more to escape was impossible. Escapes attempts were brutally crushed. Literally. Hammer fists squashed briefly enjoyed freedom. I felt great regret at my oppression, but letting them roam free all over the house was out of the question. What good is a kingdom with no subjects? Waste piles started to build. Ants are clean creatures. The do their business in designated areas. They carry out the dead and bury them in the wastelands. The instructions said to periodically clean out the piles. M suggested slowing them down by refrigerating the farm. Seemed like a good idea, until I forgot about the induced winter and they maybe got a little too cold. Cold ants are much more docile. I was able to clean out the piles with minimal jailbreaks and let summer return. Attrition brought overcrowding to acceptable levels, but I think they became bored with digging. New construction ground to a halt. They were mostly content to walk around, moving the gel pebbles into new piles for fallen comrades and landfill. Every few days I would sneak up on them and blow more air in, causing a great riot, just to make sure they knew who was the boss. The trouble really started when they decided to dig through the roof to freedom. The foam gasket that held the roof on tight became their focus. Piles of foam started to appear and the lid no longer fit as snugly as it once had. I think they started to eat the foam because more of the ants started to die. Today, 3 months after their ordeal began, it has ended. It was pretty close to the 90 day life expectancy the documentation described. It was a fascinating and educational experience and I look forward to another reign sometime in the future.
Can work be fun? On days when many parents work and their children do not have school, we have children in the office. I heard one theory that this is a plan by parents to have an excuse to leave because children are distracting in the workplace. I don’t have many memories about my own workplace experiences. I know my father worked in a top secret lab (or so it seemed) because we never got past the lobby, and even those experiences were rare. My mother’s office was a little more interactive. We had typewriters to play with and lots of conversation oriented adults who tended to scare the crap out of me. My own workplace is a little different. We have vast bowls of chips, candy and cookies. We have refrigerators stocked with all the juice and soda a kid could want. We have televisions and video games and couches. Today we had two small girls visiting. They found the candy bowl quickly, helping themselves at will. Some people tried teaching them how to play video games, unsuccessfully. We watched the sisters try and play a soccer game, waving the controllers and mashing buttons to no effect. They informed us this was their first time every playing a video game (the parent is clearly a very good parent). I asked the older one if she thought work was fun, since she gets to eat cookies and play video games. She confirmed that work was great. I can only imagine what she will say at school when asked what her father does for a living.
Lastly, a coworker here recently learned that he has squirrels in his attic. His wife heard them at a late hour and in the cold and dark he ventured upstairs with a driveway reflector stick (it’s pointed and weapon-like). He killed no squirrels, but did find s stash of acorns and chewed insulation. We discussed several solutions. He does not know how they are getting in, but he knows if they build a nest, that is a bad thing. A large scale chipper-dipper could work, but the internet explained that dead squirrels stink worse than most, so this is probably a bad idea. We looked at predator urine, but the smell issue is probably worse there. The final solution is to deploy a have-a-heart trap. The recommended bait, strangely enough, is peanut butter and jelly, the universal attractor. The question now is, what else will he catch? Try explaining to the authorities why there is a toddler in a cage in your attic…
