Things I shouldn't like but do.

Getting my teeth cleaned. Yeah that's right. With the metal hooks and the aggressive flossing. I try to fall asleep when I go to the dentist, just to show how much it doesn't bother me. Daily flossing? Love it. Even some blood is nice - it's tells me I'm getting deep in there. I sort of like biting my nails, but lots of people like that. I read recently that nail and ice chewing is a mild form of Pica. No bezoars here.

Ever felt the back of a baby's leg? right behind the knee? Maybe it's just baby E, but there's a seriously weird fold there. Like a giant callus. So fun to feel that sucker.

Sore muscles. Like so sore you can't move. Then you take the heel of your hand and push really hard on that sore muscle, until it hurts so much you can't take it, then you push harder. Yeah that's good stuff right there.

Drinking nothing but coffee and not eating. This is probably downright unhealthy, but it sort of gets the whole body buzzing with no lethargy. I don't really do this often, it's more by accident. But when it does happen, it's amusing.

Gossip Girl. what? you don't like the adventures of Blair, Chuck, Serena, Dan and Nate? I left out Vanessa because she's just annoying. I only pretend to not like it so M will let me watch something else. It seems to be an entertaining, yet completely implausible show. At least it keeps my attention. And Chuck Bass is Roger Sterling's long lost grandson. He's terrific.

Nightmares. Every once in a while I get one that is so bizarre and twisted, I think I know where the human centipede guy is coming from. It's nice to know the brain can take a wrong turn now and then. They usually wake me up and stay with me for weeks, making me wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I love knowing that we're not all 100% in control, despite appearances.

Dubstep. This is probably the only one that I seriously questioned putting on the list. Dubstep has to be the tobacco of music. The first 15 times I heard it, I thought it was terrible and stupid. Then I had one more taste and I started to see why someone could like it. I don't crave it all the time, but every once in a while I sneak off and fire up some Skrillex when no one is looking. woobwoobwoobbangbangbangwoobwoobwoob. I feel like I'm in the matrix. I also love me some bad rap like Rick Ross and Wiz Khalifa. No lil wayne. I tried, but weezy got nothing for me.

Mullet cars. Just something about the cars I envied when I was 6. I hadn't even heard about an Aston Martin, but I definitely knew Knight Rider and the Dukes of Hazzard drove. I suppose mullet cars is a pejorative term, but I saw a lot of mullets in those cars and the two will always be associated.

Airplane turbulence. I don't know why everyone freaks out about this. There's 100% nothing you can do about it. If it's your time, it's your time. Deal with it. Being scared isn't going to get you out alive. Plus, going down laughing like a maniac is pretty badass if you ask me.

how to take out the trash

This crude comic may look familiar to some, and others not. Just something I am playing around with...

Sponge B wetpants

This is going to be borderline repetitive for anyone who has raised or is currently raising a child, but since this is my first rodeo, I am entitled.
Easy E has a new trick that he only performs with dad, which is to coat me with a thick morning vomit every so often. He eats his bottle, smiles, gets up on the shoulder to burp, I feel the burp gears turning against my shoulder, but instead of gently belching in my ear, he arches his back like a champion loogie spitter, unfurls a huge wet burp and with a 7oz finishing move of warm sticky milk, which seems to come out in a single continuous slug rather than several wet splashes. It's almost like it is encased in a slime membrane, only to disintegrate on contact with me or the chair.
The first time this happened he got it mostly down my back. A nice warm feeling yes, but a quick puke shower is not very satisfying. The next time he managed to get some in my mouth and my ear. Not cool man. And yesterday he dumped most of it down the front of my shirt and into my lap, making me the only person in the room with sopping wet pants, for a change.
These events do not bother him. I do not share his enthusiasm for purging.

new idea

What if people could continuously grow teeth, like sharks do? Not that it wouldn't be painful and annoying when one went bad and had to be fixed or removed. I'm not trying to put dentists or dental hygiene companies out of business. Maybe denture manufacturers can go, but there would be a whole new industry in tooth pulling and prosthetics while the new teeth came in. I think it would be awesome.

new stuff

 So many ideas swirling around, it’s impossible to get them all into one coherent theme, so I’m just going to do this stream of consciousness thing…

Baby E has some new tricks:

The AM projectile vomit on dad. Yeah. In the mouth, in the ear, down the shirt. Everywhere but the towel I have draped over my shoulder. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. Sometimes it goes on the towel, but COME ON – it’s hanging veritically, he’s puking horizontally, what do I expect? A magic Velcro-vomit? I need a miracle vacuum towel to instantly adhere liquid to absorbent material instead of watching it all roll off like the towel was made of microfiber. Boooo.

He sort of rolls around.

He sleeps without his magic swing. This was a scary few days.

He has noticed my iphone and stops eating when I browse and feed. This is unacceptable.

Lots of toe, nose, hair, shirt and mouth grabbing. His hands are cold and slimy.

He reliably blows out the diapers. If he did the deed more than once every 2 days I think they could be contained, but this is not the case.

My new favorites – Spotify for it’s queues and Pandora for it’s genres. And I don’t even really like music. Saves me a lot of time scouring youtube for music.

Is there anything that is a bigger giveaway for your low station in life than a prominently displayed dreamcatcher? I’m not saying everyone with a dreamcatcher in their life is picking flies out of their hair every day, but I don’t see many of the top 1% rocking out with the dreamcatcher on the rear view mirror. I’m just saying.

What are you supposed to do when someone says you like someone else, but that comparison is not flattering? We have a new guy at work, and people all say I look like him and vice versa. He happens to rock the same haircut and similar eyewear. But is that where the comparison stops? Ok maybe I do look like Moby. This is where I start growing the beard.

My home gym equipment is all failing. My other pullup bar broke, but only with minimal falling this time. This is not acceptable. To get around this, I did some agility drills in the field near our unit the other day. Nothing shady about a guy running around in the dark at 6AM in a field. Nope. I only hope that no one sics their doggy on me.

And that’s about it. Weak.  I really thought I had more. Maybe again soon.